Safer sex (and sex, generally) part 3 of 3

Today, we’ve got the third of a three-part conversation about safer sex.  Issiah McKimmie and I continue chatting about the detailed pragmatics, as well as the broader communication and psychological issues.  We start with dental dams, move onto safer sex strategies for kinky play, and finish on the role of shame in STI conversations.

Isiah can be found at https://www.isiah-mckimmie.com

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Where’s the line between taking responsibility for your own stuff, versus calling out bad behavior?

Wow.  What could possibly go wrong with this sweet, simple little question?

This conversation takes in everything from the mundane (such as giving yourself three days after writing an email before clicking ‘send’) through to the profound (such as how the question inspires an existential crisis and pleas to Buddha).

Getting sometimes confused and humble, but also managing to find some very sensible theories and tangible ideas, are:

Rog, from Curious Creatures;

Dossie Easton – author of The Ethical Slut (and various other progressive sexuality books), and counselor and relationships coach based in San Fransisco (dossieeaston.com); and

Anne Hunter, a relationships coach and polyamory specialist, in Melbourne, Australia (yourrelationshiptoolbelt.com).

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The Consent Cards: A primer in great sex and consent! (Part 3 of 3)

In this episode (the final in a three-part series), Aerie (from Blue Velvet Arts) and Rog (from Curious Creatures) go through the questions on the Curious Creatures Consent Cards in detail.  New and old players alike will find plenty in the way of juicy perspectives and personal stories about lessons learned the hard way.

The questions, are:

  1. How are we doing?
  2. What’s our brief description of what we’re planning to do?
  3. Why is this play interesting to you / me?
  4. What kind of experience are you / am I after?
  5. Have you / I done this kind of play before, or something like it?
  6. Can we check in, mid-play, using the scale of 0-10 to guage how intense it’s going (where 3-4 is warmup, and 6-7 is sustainable play)?
  7. If everything goes well, what is our upper limit for intensity?
  8. Do we have safe-words in place (eg. ‘green’ = all good; ‘orange’ = approaching a limit; ‘red’ = complete stop, debrief, then play may or may not continue…)?
  9. Can we leave marks (such as bruises, teeth-marks, scratches)?
  10. Do you / I have any injuries, health conditions or other body limitations that might be relevant?
  11. Are there any parts of our bodies (such as genitals, bum, chest) that we don’t want to be involved?
  12. Who might be gaining pleasure from this; who is it for?
  13. Is this activity likely to be triggering?
  14. Are you sober (and, if not, how can we make that safer)?
  15. What are our safer-sex practices (in terms of STI transmission), and are there any other safety issues?
  16. Will we need to do specific things to care for each other, afterwards?
  17. Are you happy to proceed? (Check for congruence, question any uncertainty).
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The Consent Cards: A primer in great sex and consent! (Part 2 of 3)

In this episode (second in three-part series), Aerie(from Blue Velvet Arts) and Rog (from Curious Creatures) go through the questions on the Curious Creatures Consent Cards in detail.  New and old players alike will find plenty in the way of juicy perspectives and personal stories about lessons learned the hard way.

The questions, are:

  1. How are we doing?
  2. What’s our brief description of what we’re planning to do?
  3. Why is this play interesting to you / me?
  4. What kind of experience are you / am I after?
  5. Have you / I done this kind of play before, or something like it?
  6. Can we check in, mid-play, using the scale of 0-10 to guage how intense it’s going (where 3-4 is warmup, and 6-7 is sustainable play)?
  7. If everything goes well, what is our upper limit for intensity?
  8. Do we have safe-words in place (eg. ‘green’ = all good; ‘orange’ = approaching a limit; ‘red’ = complete stop, debrief, then play may or may not continue…)?
  9. Can we leave marks (such as bruises, teeth-marks, scratches)?
  10. Do you / I have any injuries, health conditions or other body limitations that might be relevant?
  11. Are there any parts of our bodies (such as genitals, bum, chest) that we don’t want to be involved?
  12. Who might be gaining pleasure from this; who is it for?
  13. Is this activity likely to be triggering?
  14. Are you sober (and, if not, how can we make that safer)?
  15. What are our safer-sex practices (in terms of STI transmission), and are there any other safety issues?
  16. Will we need to do specific things to care for each other, afterwards?
  17. Are you happy to proceed? (Check for congruence, question any uncertainty).

 

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The Consent Cards: A primer in great sex and consent! (Part 1 of 3)

In this episode, Aerie (from Blue Velvet Arts) and Rog (from Curious Creatures) go through the questions on the Curious Creatures Consent Cards in detail.  New and old players alike will find plenty in the way of juicy perspectives and personal stories about lessons learned the hard way.

The questions, are:

  1. How are we doing?
  2. What’s our brief description of what we’re planning to do?
  3. Why is this play interesting to you / me?
  4. What kind of experience are you / am I after?
  5. Have you / I done this kind of play before, or something like it?
  6. Can we check in, mid-play, using the scale of 0-10 to guage how intense it’s going (where 3-4 is warmup, and 6-7 is sustainable play)?
  7. If everything goes well, what is our upper limit for intensity?
  8. Do we have safe-words in place (eg. ‘green’ = all good; ‘orange’ = approaching a limit; ‘red’ = complete stop, debrief, then play may or may not continue…)?
  9. Can we leave marks (such as bruises, teeth-marks, scratches)?
  10. Do you / I have any injuries, health conditions or other body limitations that might be relevant?
  11. Are there any parts of our bodies (such as genitals, bum, chest) that we don’t want to be involved?
  12. Who might be gaining pleasure from this; who is it for?
  13. Is this activity likely to be triggering?
  14. Are you sober (and, if not, how can we make that safer)?
  15. What are our safer-sex practices (in terms of STI transmission), and are there any other safety issues?
  16. Will we need to do specific things to care for each other, afterwards?
  17. Are you happy to proceed? (Check for congruence, question any uncertainty).
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Consent is not sexy

Discuss: Consent is not ‘sexy’; consent is a human right. You either have it, or you don’t, and saying it’s sexy confuses the issues.

To discuss this topic, Rog (from Curious Creatures) is joined by:

Dossie Easton – author of The Ethical Slut (and various other progressive sexuality books), and counselor and relationships coach based in San Fransisco (dossieeaston.com).

Anne Hunter, a relationships coach and polyamory specialist, in Melbourne, Australia (yourrelationshiptoolbelt.com).

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How do I learn to be a dominant (BDSM/kink)?

Want to hear some really good, genuine, down-to-earth players talk about what they think makes for a good dominant?  …Tune in to this one folks, for some of the most smoothly delivered and honest appraisals of what power-play is all about.

Rog from Curious Creatures is joined by:

Aerie, from Blue Velvet Arts, who runs accessible and fun workshops on kink and communication in Melbourne, Australia.

Beejay, from Eagle Leather (in Abbotsford, Melbourne) – for all your fetish wear and equipment needs, and some great education / outreach also.

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What’s your number one sex move?

What’s your number one sex move?  Is it a little wriggle with your finger at the right time?  Something you do with your tongue?  Or something entirely psychological?

To answer this question, Rog from Curious Creatures is joined by:

Cath Carter:  Renowned sex therapist, counselor, and couples and singles coach.  Cath has been in the field of sexuality for thirty years, is a walking embodiment of compassion and sex-positivity, and can be found at www.personalharmony.com.au.

Maureen Matthews:  Author of ‘About Last Night’ in the Sunday Age newspaper, and operator of Bliss for Women.  Maureen has been advising and coaching people on sexuality and relationship issues for over thirty years, and making a lot of lives better!  http://www.bliss4women.com.au/

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Polyamory: Do you believe in tight or loose agreements? …Strict rules, or relationship anarchy?

Getting deep into the subtleties of polyamory (and open-relationships and non-monogamy, generally), tune in to get the combined wisdom of 70 years of combined experience!

This conversation goes into the subtle ways we sometimes use agreements to control one another, or avoid facing what  we don’t want to see within ourselves.  It also includes information on how to put specific agreements in place that are unique to your relationships and that support all the people in your constellation, and personal stories on how agreements tend to change over time.

Not polyamorous?  Fear not! – There’s a lot of information in here that’s just as applicable to monogamous relationship agreements!

Rog, from Curious Creatures, is joined by:

Dossie Easton – author of The Ethical Slut (and various other progressive sexuality books), and counselor and relationships coach based in San Fransisco (dossieeaston.com).

Anne Hunter, a relationships coach and polyamory specialist, in Melbourne, Australia (yourrelationshiptoolbelt.com).

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